[Top 5 Songs of the '80s]

After a longer wait than promised, and as a reward for your patience, I’ve gone with a topic I think everyone will be happy with. I was, at least.

I thought I'd need hours (maybe days) to come up with my list, what with all the ‘80s goodness floating around in my head, but in the end it took all of maybe two minutes. And there was no question about it -- it had to be these five. Collectively, they take me back to the happiest period in my life by far (age 0-9, approx.). It’s been pretty much downhill since.

5.) Send Me an Angel, Real Life (1983): A movie was released in 1986 that changed BMX racing the world forever. That movie was Rad. I’ll skip the synopsis/review, because I think the title speaks for itself. In the following clip, Cru Jones, local paperboy and Helltrack hopeful, takes to the dance floor in a freestyle trick-bike dance-off with Uncle Jesse’s wife from Full House, (who looks mysteriously dude-ish in the wide shots). If you’re a fan of Olympic Gymnastics (and who isn’t, when they’re being honest) you might also recognize US gymnastics champion-turned-announcer Bart Conner, who plays BMX badass Bart Taylor in the movie. “Send Me an Angel” was also featured in Teen Wolf Too, starring a young Jason Bateman, as well as The Wizard, starring an even younger Fred Savage (who still doesn’t look a day over twelve, by the way), but Rad was the original. Not sure how many times I watched this scene as a kid. Probably in the hundreds. At least more than the number of times I beat Contra. Not quite as many times as I watched the opening skateboarding sequence in Back to the Future. Somewhere around there. Anyway, all that said, I love this track.


4.) Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins (1986): Being six years old is all about danger. Whether you’re jumping from your tree house to the roof of the storage building or mixing different flavors of Kool-Aid together, you’re pushing yourself to the limit with every second. And not only was this song dangerous, it was so dangerous it needed its own zone. That, combined with Loggins’ edgy vocal stylings, made it my anthem through a large chunk of elementary school. One could justifiably compose his/her ‘80s list exclusively of Kenny Loggins’ hits, if one were so inclined (“Footloose,” “I’m Free (Heaven Helps the Man),” “Playing With the Boys,” “I’m Alright,” etc.).


3.) Glory of Love, Peter Cetera (1986): The Karate Kid Part II taught me how to love. First you chop through blocks of ice. Then you stand up to the village bully. Then you race a beautiful Okinawan girl up the seashore to the unmistakable falsetto of Chicago’s Peter Cetera. That's about it. Makes me a little sad that we’ve likely seen the end of the middle-aged pop artist (besides Madonna, I guess). You’ve got to be pretty nowadays and know how to dance and whatnot. And unfortunately, notwithstanding his Busey-esque good looks, Cetera’s got a dance for radio. This video just makes me happy in a whole bunch of indefinable ways.


2.) Thriller, Michael Jackson (1982): Thriller had a longer run in my Walkman than any other tape. I wasn’t allowed to watch MTV back then, so I didn’t see the video until years later. Couldn’t get enough of the song, though. Yep, before the plastic surgery and Jesus Juice and all that nonsense MJ was one of the coolest guys on the planet. (Thought about embedding the Philippines prison clip, but I figured almost everyone’s already seen it. Just in case, though, here it is.)

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1.) Heart of Rock n Roll, Huey Lewis and the News (1984): My favorite song from the time I was five to about eleven. The first song I can remember singing along with when it came on the radio. Easily beats “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” “Vogue” and “The ABCs” for the title of “Greatest Listing Song of All-Time.” Next to Mozart’s “Requiem,” maybe the best piece of music ever written, period. You heard me right.


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AUTHOR THOMAS PYNCHON TURNED 72 TODAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOM. I'LL FINISH GRAVITY'S RAINBOW THIS SUMMER, I SWEAR.

*Top 5 Movie Quotes of the Last 25 Years*

Winner: Justin Barclay

American Beauty

Mr. Smiley's manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.Lester: I have fast food experience.Mr. Smiley's manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago!Lester: Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.

Fight Club

Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvee is?Jack: It's a comforter.Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvee is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?Jack: Consumers?Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the by-products of a lifestyle obsession.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Harmony: Well, for starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had a hot meal.Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then one day she skipped lunch.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Cameron: Okay Ferris, can we just let it go, please?Sloane: Ferris, please. You've gone to far. We're going to get busted.Ferris: A, You can never go too far. B, If I'm gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a guy like that.

Tombstone

Billy Clanton: Hey. Hey. Is that Old Dog Trey? Sounds like Old Dog Trey.Doc Holliday: Pardon?Billy Clanton: You know, Stephen Foster. "Oh, Susannah", "Camptown Races". Stephen stinking Foster.Doc Holliday: Ah, yes. Well, this happens to be a nocturne.Billy Clanton: A which?Doc Holliday: You know, Frederic fucking Chopin.

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Never seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Great joke, though. Sort of Tarantino-ish. Guess I need to check it out.

NEW CATEGORY COMING SOON

[Top 5 Movie Quotes of the Last 25 Years]

I know I said the next category would be music related, but I had so much fun picking out favorite quotes for the first one I figured I'd give them the undivided attention they deserve.

Why 25? It's a nice, round number, whereas 28 (clean as it may be in terms of a decade cutoff) is not. Would've looked all oblong and ugly up there on the title line. And we're all about aesthetics here at DITF. So yes, that means Airplane, The Empire Strikes Back, On Golden Pond, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Porky's and Star Trek: Wrath of Khan are out. I am not, however, without mercy, so I'm including all of 1983 (even though technically only the latter eight months -- less twelve days -- belong to the time period in question), which means Trading Places, Return of lthe Jedi, Mr. Mom, Octopussy, Scarface and Risky Business are in play. You're welcome.

5.) No Country For Old Men (2007): "You keep runnin that mouth I'm gonna take you in the back and screw ya." -Llewelyn Moss
Couldn't find a picture of him on the couch with Carla Jean, so ignore the wet hair and gun. And the fact that he's probably looking at a dog. So many good lines in this movie. Haven't read the book, so I'm not sure if this one's in it. I heard the Cohens stayed pretty faithful, though. Thought about going with "If it ain't, it'll do till the mess gets here," the line Tommy Lee Jones seemed born to deliver. It manages to be endearing in that classic cowboy kind of way without crossing into hokey yokel-speak. Such a hard thing to pull off, and it's handled perfectly the whole way through.

4.) When Harry Met Sally (1989): "The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a.) not at home, (b.) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c.) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy." -Harry Burns
Since the first time I heard it I've been itching for an opportunity to leave this message on someone's machine. Maybe someday TBS will stop showing the movie five times per week so I can safely plagiarize it. They've shown no sign of letting up, though.

3.) Clerks (1994): "People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl Mom." -Randal Graves
This made me laugh when I was thirteen, and it still makes me laugh at twenty-six. Not sure if that says more about the quality of the movie or of the person watching it. (This film also gave a new and universally-recognized meaning to the number thirty-seven (at least among junior high boys.))

2.) Dazed and Confused (1993): "Wipe that face off your head, bitch." -Darla Marks
D&C has a lot of oft-quoted one liners, but this is easily my favorite. (On a related side note, last Monday I walked past a group of guys who'd just picked up their Greeked-out fraternity paddles. Ever the outgoing non-traditional undergrad, I turned to them and asked, "Where's the FAH-Q?" I got three blank stares in return. Thinking they must have misheard, I clarified, "You know, Dazed and Confused?" Still nothing. Made me want to snatch one away and take a few swings. (On another side note, this year's high school freshmen were born in 1995.))

1.) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998): "Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow." -Raoul Duke (a.k.a. Hunter S. Thompson)

Maybe the most quotable film since the first talkies were released to the viewing public. I was going to pull out the bat country exchange, but it's sort of a dead horse nowadays, having had all but a sliver of its original coolness neutered via an ill-fated association with Avenged Sevenfold. Other contenders:

[Raoul]: You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

[Raoul]: Quick, like a bunny.

[Parking Attendant]: You can't park your car here. [Raoul]: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? [Parking Attendant]: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is a sidewalk!

[Raoul]: Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!

[Raoul]: There's a uh, big machine in the sky, some kind of, I dunno, electric snake, coming straight at us. [Dr. Gonzo]: Shoot it. [Raoul]: Not yet. I want to study its habits.

[Dr. Gonzo] (to a waitress): Did they pay you to screw that bear?

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POST YOUR LIST IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW! (ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT.)

*Top 5 Things That Defined the '90s*

Winner: Stephanie

5.) Dave Matthews Band - I really enjoyed DMB back in the 90s. Satellite, Crash, Ants Marching. I just wish Dave had stayed in the 90s...

4.) The Branch Davidians - not only did this have a huge impact while the standoff in 1993 was going on, but it has pretty much irreversably changed the reaction of any person that I encountered when I revealed that I was from Waco. Countless David Koresh wife/child jokes and/or other B.D. references were born. And it was then that I knew I had to do whatever it took to get out of that town.

3.) Chicago Bulls - someone referenced Jordan earlier, but for me it was the whole team. I still have vivid memories of watching John Paxson sink that three pointer with 3 seconds left on the clock that won them the game. I remember it was at my neighbor's house, in one of my friend's rooms on one of those 13 inch TVs. I think our parents were having a church prayer meeting in the living room or something, but we were soaking up the glory of the Bulls.

2.) Channel 1 - anything that took time away from having to actually learn anything, or talk about The Great Gatsby (sorry Mr. Heatmiser) was fine with me. How Lisa Ling and Anderson Cooper were able to survive with their careers in tact is still a mystery to me though.

1.) TGIF - This Friday night block of ABC shows brought us so many unfunny sitcoms that I for some reason enjoyed and watched religiously. (the TV addiction runs deep, my friends). Perfect Strangers, Just the 10 of Us, Full House, Family Matters, and that Susanne Somers trainwreck, Step By Step. If Uncle Jesse and Urkel don't define the 90's, I don't know what does.

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A NEW CATEGORY WILL BE UP LATER TODAY.

[Top 5 Things That Defined the '90s]

. . . for you, personally, or in general. And I used "things" (instead of "movies," "songs," etc.) to hopefully make the selection process a little more challenging/interesting. So yeah, anything '90s-related is fair game.

5.) OJ Simpson Trial (1995)
"If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!"

And they did.

4.) Pulp Fiction (1994)
Too many memorable moments/quotes to list here. Though I will say that Christopher Walken’s watch speech is one of my favorite monologues in movie history.



3.) Seinfeld (1989-1997)
Yada Yada, The Soup Nazi, The Marble Rye, Festivas, Sponge-Worthy, Puffy Shirt, Master of My Domain, Junior Mint, Parking Garage, High Five, Frogger, Serenity Now, The Pez Dispenser, The Nose Job, The Smelly Car, The Shower Head, The Summer of George, The Maestro, The Wiz, The Red Spot, Little Kicks, The Christmas Card, The Marine Biologist, Vandelay Industries, The Couch, Jimmy, Muffin Tops, Man Hands, Poppy’s Sloppy, et cetera, et cetera…

If nothing else, that I don’t need to explain any of the above for you to know exactly what I’m talking about justifies this pick.



2.) Jon Secada’s “Just Another Day” (1992)
Or anything by Jon Secada, really. The second I hear his voice, backed by heavily reverbed synthesizer and drum machine, I’m in fifth grade again, holding hands with my then girlfriend, Mary… I don’t remember her last name, but I remember this song and that she was very pretty, but I was too scared to kiss her because how the hell are you supposed to kiss somebody anyway? Check out the '90s-tastic video below:

1.) The Rise of the Internet (1990-1999)
Here’s a quick historical overview, culled from various sources, for those who might be interested:

1990 - The World-Wide Web software is created by Tim Berners-Lee
1991 - The number of internet hosts breaks 600,000
1992 - The number of internet hosts breaks 1 million; there are 50 web pages
1993 - The number of internet hosts breaks 2 million; Mosaic web browser launched, spurs web annual growth rate of 341,634% in 1994
1994 - Yahoo! is launched; first shopping sites go online
1995 - The number of internet hosts breaks 4 million; Ebay and Amazon are launched.
1996 - The number of internet hosts breaks 9 million; Microsoft releases Internet Explorer
1997 - The number of internet hosts breaks 16 million; there are 1 million web sites; for the first time, more e-mails are sent than letters
1998 - 50% of North American homes have PCs
1999 - 150 million web users; 800 million web pages; 92 Silicon Valley companies go public

*Top 5 Coolest Male Film Roles of All-Time*

Winner: Aaron Wedemeyer

5. (Tie) Nicolas Cage & John Travolta – Face/Off
-It’s not fair really. They both get to play not one but two cool guys.

4. Matthew McConaughey – Dazed and Confused
-You want cool? How much cooler can you get than a 20-something burnout scoping freshmen girls. And that moustache? Game over.

3. Peter Weller – RoboCop
-He’s half robot for crying out loud!

2. Pat Morita – Karate Kid - Mr. Miyagi.
-He makes bonsai trees, fishes, works as the maintenance man for an apartment complex that looks like a Motel 6, and with the help of quick cut editing, can kick some serious ass.

1. Hilary Swank – Boy’s Don’t Cry
-I’m still not convinced she’s not a dude.

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I was having trouble choosing a list, so I decided to make it easier on myself and pick the one with the single coolest character in its roster. Mr. Miyagi was the obvious choice here, as I think you'll all agree. To this day when I find I'm in a situation I can't handle on my own, (in a karate tournament fighting to regain my honor from preppy thugs, for instance) I stop and ask myself,

"What would Miyagi do?"

Crane kick to the face, that's what.

TO WEED:

You almost lost for putting him in the number two spot. Shame on you. RoboCop was a nice addition. The Hilary Swank comment was hilarious.

TO EVERYONE:

Thanks for posting your lists -- I enjoyed reading them. New category coming soon!

-Ryan

[Instructions (READ THIS FIRST)]

HOW IT WORKS:
1.) Every two weeks or so a new category will be posted. The categories will shy away from the more typical, broad variety (i.e. Top 5 Movies, Top 5 Books, etc.), and will instead trend toward the narrower in focus (i.e. Top 5 Ways to Tell Your Mother-In-Law it’s Time For Her to Go Home).
2.) Read my list. Or don’t.
3.) Write your list in the comments section at the bottom of each post (COMMENTS).
4.) Read other people’s lists, and tell them how foolish they are for picking the way they did.
5.) At the end of the two weeks I’ll choose a winner based on a set of criteria I'll likely make up on the fly. The winner’s picks will then be moved to the top of the main post, there to marinate in the jealousy of his or her enemies.

(FIRST CATEGORY POSTED BELOW!)